The 1980s were a decade of excitement, decadence, destruction, and most of all: fun. Ronald Reagan. Crack cocaine. David Bowie. The Cold War. Scarface. The slowly-fading but the still-warm threat of global nuclear annihilation. Jazzercise.
According to the experts, the United States experienced its last final explosion of true cultural output in this decade, and we find ourselves still covered in its afterbirth roughly forty years later. It has been nothing but reruns, remixes, and reboots ever since… but you aren’t reading this for the usual whining about the way things are and the way things used to be, man. You want the good stuff! The current stuff, like the Russian invasion of Ukraine, is itself somewhat of a remix and a reboot. Most mainstream commentators are torn on whether Russian leader Vladimir Putin most resembles Darth Vader, Adolf Hitler, Sauron, or Marvel’s Thanos in his disturbing quest to promote evil and darkness instead of love and happiness. Personally, I see him as a Voldemort figure in many respects (they are both pale).
In truth, this modern struggle seems to find very little in common with modern popular culture. While a few brave artists on the internet may depict Ukraine’s president Volodymyr Zelensky as a sort of Jedi Master or Captain America figure, I fear this depiction does not do the Ukrainian people’s armed resistance much justice, nor does it provide them with any dignity. The very real war they are fighting or fleeing right now is not a dumb movie for you to passively consume.
That being said, I cannot help but compare it to an ‘80s movie I passively consumed called Red Dawn. That film actually featured a Russian invasion, so it gets a pass. Of course, the movie is about an invasion of the United States, which is then repelled by plucky underdog American guerrillas. But it’s almost literally the same exact thing! Keeping with this article’s remake theme, Red Dawn itself was rebooted in 2012 featuring a North Korean invasion… and a dead box office. Red Dawn (2012) totally flopped! Much like Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky’s off-shore holdings as revealed in the leaked Panama Papers not too long ago, this did not sit right with me. But what could a good reboot of Red Dawn look like?
Specifically, what would a New Red Dawn look like? One that isn’t a cheap reboot of ‘80s shlock, but that truly asks deep geopolitical questions about invasions, institutions, local resistance, and the global order? Perhaps this article will serve to quench your curiosity in matters that truly hold significance to the American people.
Allow me to set the scene of a new Russian invasion of America: one that takes place in the current year…
In the New Red Dawn, Russians stream across our borders, solely motivated by taking advantage of our resources, wealth, and prosperity for themselves. The Russians say they have a right to do so, and that Americans have no right to refuse them. They claim there is no difference between Russian and American, just like they claimed with the Ukrainians! So, who are you to challenge them? “They” are actually “us”, you know. The term “Russophobia” enters the public consciousness.
Terms can only enter our public consciousness when they are accepted and promoted by our institutions. As you can imagine, the Kremlin has surreptitiously taken over many American institutions in the New Red Dawn prior to its invasion. Our universities, media companies, banks, military, and public schools have become increasingly sympathetic to Russian interests due to bribes, infiltration, and a general lack of intellectual integrity.
Over time, the Russians instilled public education with a pro-Russian bias. What does this look like? Well, American schoolchildren are endlessly taught about the various periods of suffering that Russians experienced, especially when the suffering was inflicted by Americans. This builds sympathy, but it also reinforces a narrative of historical guilt in favor of Russians. “The Cold War and its consequences were never forgotten, and it’s high time Americans recognize this reality” is one of the most popular slogans to justify the new educational programs in this reboot. Little to no attention is paid to the many times Americans have aided Russians, and even knowing about certain historical realities like the “Lend-Lease Act” could lead to an American being branded Russophobic and losing everything they have worked hard to attain. “Why do you even know what that is? Do you hate Russians or something?” is a common Russian technique to stifle meaningful discussion.
In short, Americans are taught to hate themselves and their history and to advance the various causes of Russians as a sort of penance for their “crimes”. “What grand irony, I mean what would Dostoyevsky say about this sort of crime and punishment?”, the main character (portrayed by Zendaya) remarks to the audience. Those who could even think to challenge the new status quo are denounced and ostracized as Russophobes. To even be indifferent to Russian concerns is itself an intense Russophobia, let alone being actively opposed to Russians for their various crimes against your people. Needless to say, few Ukrainians still exist in America during the New Red Dawn experience desperation and acts of violence as suppressed dissidents… and deservedly so, according to the Russians.
Mobs of Russians periodically attack American cities, burning and looting buildings as they see fit. Not all Russians do this, of course, but it’s still a lot of civil unrest for no reason. Institutional media giants are not allowed to report the truth of the matter, obviously, even if they wanted to. The average American is told that everything is fine, and of course, it is. They are not Russophobes, after all, and the Russians have much to be angry about. You learned all about it in school! American police mostly do nothing about this seasonal phenomenon. When Americans must resort to defending themselves or others during these events, they find themselves in horrendous court cases and are vilified by a media that promotes the unquestionable pro-Kremlin message.
So, this reboot would be a bit different than Russian paratroopers landing in Colorado! Zendaya’s character’s resistance against this new repressive Russian machine is nothing short of admirable, and the audience is meant to be inspired by her ability to speak her mind and defend her country from the most insidious and entrenched foes. It would be a box office hit for sure!
We, as conservatives, can be very thankful that the New Red Dawn universe is just a fictional dystopia, and that Hollywood is definitely not interested in further Red Dawn reboots for the time being. American audiences might not be ready for it yet! It’s all the more unfortunate that our dastardly foes, the Russians, are so far away from us, in Russia. If only they were closer to home.